104 Rules for Reboot
by mynamemattersnot
Summary: The "reboot series" has its own rules that must be followed or else you will be ejected off the Enterprise.
1. Rules are Lame

**104 Rules for Reboot**

**Author's Note: Boredom reigned so I'm once again writing one of these. I do not own the "reboot series" nor would I want to take credit for it as I would get mobbed by a few fans of the older Star Trek. So don't mob me it's not mine. Blame JJ Adams.**

Do not mess with Khan's family.

Do promote Chekov to transporter chief.

Do not surrender under any circumstances.

Do not give young Spock any more reasons to throw a tantrum.

Do not nag your boyfriend/girlfriend during a life or death mission.

Do not hire a stripper to be your weapons expert.

Do please allow old Spock to move on from Star Trek (seriously guys he must like be 300-400 years old by now.)

Do not steal a sandwich from Scotty.

Do not force Chekov to perform a job he doesn't want to.

Do not steal the Gods of other planets.

Do not eat all the cookies.

Do not mess around with alien women.

Do not try to perform your duties drunk.

Do not elect Kirk for president.

To boldly go… just stop doing that.

Do not allow Kirk to write a speech for you.

Do not sit around and do nothing.

Do not ever let the shields go down.

Do not say "Bloody Klingon" three times in front of a mirror.

Do not spray Dr. McCoy with a water gun.

Do not leave the parking brake on.

Do not eat any bugs.

Do not destroy Romulus or Vulcan or kill large numbers of people. (That's just messed up.)

Do not waste two decades in space.

Do not destroy an escape route.

Do not look Sulu in the eyes.

Do not perform a crime in front of Scotty.

Do not speak backwards.

Do not make fun of Uhura's hair.

Do not eat an apple whilst hanging upside down.

Do not play with a blind tribble.

Do not allow ET to phone home.

Do not do ten jumping jacks.

Do not use a hair growth remedy on a Romulan.

Do not stand still for more than five seconds.

Do not arm wrestle with Spock.

Do not play trivia with Chekov.

Do not tell Dr. McCoy a joke.

Do not put on prosthetic ears to make fun of Vulcans.

Do not sing "I got big butts and I cannot lie" in front of Kirk.

Do not make women wear short-sleeved shirts.

Do not look both ways before you cross.

Do not paint the white roses red.

Do not attempt to balance on one leg.

Do not yell "Khan" randomly to the sky.

Do not steal lines and scenes from older movies.

Do not allow JJ Adams to keep messing with Star Trek.

Do not flood the bridge.

Do not play a guitar in a dark room.

Do not forget to bring your soup when you visit a volcano.

Do not fire people.

Do not experiment with red matter.

Do not get a tattoo on your face.

Do not read the yellow pages.

Avoid the color red.

Do not steal Kirk's condoms.

Do become a super biotic man.

Do not drop the Enterprise in water.

Do not go on a Sunday stroll.

Do not push Nero into sunlight.

Do not wear your uniform backwards.

Do not find an island made entirely of candy.

Do not put your hand near your face.

Do not cover your ears whilst Uhura is singing.

Do not allow Spock to show emotions.

Do mess with everybody you meet.

Do not give specific rules (shhh... don't tell anyone).

Do not expect Kirk to go by the guidelines.

Do not flip a coin to determine fate.

Do not open an umbrella on the bridge.

Do not talk to toast.

Do not resurrect old McCoy.

Do not block the middle of the hallway.

Do not bother to get proper training.

Do not get sick unless you want your job stolen.

Do know every language possible.

Do fill free to grab a uniform. There is no evaluation required.

Do not force old Spock to give you all the answers.

Do not ask more than a single question at a time.

Do not ask Chekov to calculate an impossible math problem for you.

Do not confuse Sulu with your pet cat.

Do not eat the Lotus flower.

Do not pretend you cannot hear whilst receiving a lecture.

Do not fake a serious illness in front of McCoy.

Do not challenge young Spock to a fight.

Do not cause the near extinction of any species.

Do not fall into a blackhole.

Do not get rid of the canon.

Do not wear a hat.

Do not write on a green paper with black ink.

Do not enter a parallel universe.

Do not shove older or younger Spock's face into a pie.

Do not spell racecar backwards.

Do not stick your tongue out at Scotty.

Do not wear your uniform all the time (because it's no longer required).

Do not enter a contest with Kirk.

Do not play spin the bottle whilst Uhura and Spock are present.

Do not break up with Spock.

Do not break up with Uhura.

Do not pants Kirk and then blame it on Sulu.

Do not follow any of these rules.

**Author's Note: I also don't own anything else I made a reference to. Sorry to all fans of reboot who think this story is serious. It is not, don't hunt me down and attack me because you feel insulted. Also don't send young Spock to beat me up. *Holds up shield.* Ok now I'm ready. Please review. I always crave reviews.**


	2. Big Black Eyes & Big Butts

**Author's Note: Another chapter later! These rules broken are both written on Kirk. If you like to see a rule broken, tell me in a review but don't forget to tell me if you liked this chapter! I credit the reboot universe to JJ Abrams and Paramount. I own nothing!**

**Rule Broken: Do not mess around with alien women:**

Kirk stared at the klingon woman sitting in the bar as she sat there drinking some drink slowly. Kirk couldn't help but think she was good looking women for a klingon. His eyes wandered to the woman's chest and he stared at her large size with perverted eagerness. She looked around for a brief second and she caught his eye and stared back at him with a fierce fire in her eyes. She then flashed him a coaxing smile and waved him over to where she was sitting. Kirk couldn't help but go over to her. She signaled him to sit and he sat down immediately.

"Is there something that you want mister-?" The klingon women began.

"The name is Kirk and I find you rather good looking for your species." Kirk replied.

"Really, now? And might I say you don't look that bad yourself."

"Do you have a name?"

"I am K'Plai. Can we skip the small talk? I am getting rather eager to get to know you- better…"

"Oh course we can skip the small talk."

The klingon women pulled him closer roughly and Kirk kissed her eagerly in the face. In his joy, he didn't notice the klingon male looking at them with fury. The male abruptly pulled Kirk roughly off the women and punched him hard in the face causing his nose to bleed.

"What's your problem?" Kirk asked loudly.

"You have stolen the wrong woman!" The male shouted angrily throwing himself at Kirk. Kirk dodged him quickly and caught K'Plai smiling slightly. Did she set this up? Kirk had no time to linger on the thought as the klingon caught him and hit him several times hard in the chest. Kirk retaliated by kicking the klingon male hard on the leg before making a hasty break out of the bar.

When he returned to the Enterprise, he is seen by McCoy who looked at his face with horror.

"My god Jim, what did you do this time?" McCoy asked outraged by Kirk's reckless nature.

"I got beat up by a klingon." Kirk replied.

"Now, why in the hell would you provoke a klingon? Are you out of your mind?"

"I didn't provoke him. I just kissed his girlfriend."

When Kirk saw the look on McCoy's face, he knew McCoy was never going to allow him to live this down and was probably going to find some way to teach him a lesson about safety.

**Rule Broken: Do not sing "I got like big butts and I cannot lie" in front of Kirk:**

A female science officer was walking down the hallway somewhat bored. Some old song from centuries ago was stuck in her head. While she was walking, she couldn't help but sing the song having no knowledge that there was someone to hear her nearby.

"I like big butts and I cannot lie. The other girls can't deny. When a guy walks in with an itty bitty waist that round thing in your face, you get sprung-" She sang, but stopped noticing Kirk staring at her.

"Hello." Kirk simply stated and she ran off immediately without another word.

The next time she saw Kirk he looked like he was wearing padding for his butt. As he got dangerously close to her, she didn't know whether she should run, laugh, slap him, or kick him in his special place.

"So you like big butts-" Kirk began and the female science officer quickly opted for kicking him in his special place. Kirk dropped to the floor in both pain and surprise.

"For your information, sir, it was just a song!" She yelled before slapping him hard in the face and storming off. Kirk couldn't help but stare after her in wonder. He sometimes just couldn't understand women.

**Author's Note: Ha! So wasn't it funny or do you feel way too bad for Kirk? Do review please. It gives these stories purpose. 8D!**


	3. Math Geniuses and Bad Kids

**Author's Note: It took me a little bit I know but blame it on Writer's Block which should go fall into a blackhole somewhere. I do not own Star Trek or the reboot or alternative realities.**

**Rule Broken: Do not ask Chekov to calculate an impossible math problem for you:**

In McCoy's mind, the only thing that could match Spock in his terrible logical annoyingness was the Chekov kid. Chekov wasn't so strictly logic like the Vulcan but he was almost as bad especially with his obsession with math. He never argued when someone thought his calculations were wrong but the way he stated the answer to something as if he always had to be right bothered the hell out of McCoy. He felt the boy was far too confident for his age.

True, Chekov was a reliable officer who was rarely wrong, but McCoy still felt like he had a little too much of an ego. In the end, there were things everyone could not do and the boy had to learn that one way or another. McCoy began research to produce a challenge for the kid that would do exactly just that just so the poor kid wouldn't have to learn the hard way. Of course, he notified Kirk what he was going to do.

"I'm going to find some way to show that kid Chekov that he can't do everything." McCoy told Kirk.

"Why? Did he do something wrong?" Kirk asked him.

"No, and I don't think he thinks he can do anything wrong. That's the problem Jim." McCoy replied.

"Are you sure Bones? I think you may be making the wrong assumptions."

"Jim, he has to know that there are things he cannot do."

"You could just be seriously doubting his abilities."

"I don't doubt anything. I just want to prevent him from having to learn a hard lesson later in his life."

"Do whatever you feel is right. Just be careful not to do harm to Chekov."

"Captain, my job is to help people not harm them."

McCoy finally found the perfect thing to show Chekov that not everything could be done. It was a rare and impossible to solve math equation that even the Vulcans couldn't find a solution to. He went to Chekov with this math problem written on his padd.

"Chekov, can you help me solve this problem I came across." McCoy asked.

"Sure, Dr. McCoy. Do you need it for anything?" Chekov replied.

"Actually, I was just curious." McCoy lied.

"Ok, I will solve it for you."

Chekov looked at the equation for hours, but he wasn't getting anywhere with it. He tried everything from complex to simple methods only to be stumped. After a few days, he realized it was a trick equation and thus unsolvable by usual methods. So instead he used unconventional methods to get closer to a solution. He wound up with a still extremely complex equation but much more simplified. He spent a lot of time on it for the next few weeks but he eventually reached a single solution. He went to McCoy to show him the answer.

"Dr. McCoy, it took a while but I have solved that problem." Chekov said showing McCoy.

"How? It was supposed to be an impossible problem. Even the Vulcans couldn't solve it." McCoy said shocked.

"That's because they were probably approaching it the wrong way. It wasn't solvable by conventional means." Chekov stated.

"Maybe I was wrong about you." McCoy said to himself.

"What, sir?"

"I didn't say anything."

"Ok, sir."

McCoy showed the problem and the solution to Spock who seemed impress.

"Did you do this?" Spock asked.

"No, Chekov did."

"It is brilliant work. The greatest Vulcan minds have been struggling with this one for years."

Kirk overheard this and couldn't help but comment.

"It seems you were wrong about him." Kirk stated.

"Yeh, I guess I was." McCoy replied.

**Rule Broken: Do not use a hair growth remedy on a Romulan:**

A curious little human girl couldn't help, but get into a lot of trouble. She had somehow found her way onto the Enterprise wandering the halls. Uhura noticed the girl and picked her up.

"Now how did you get here?" Uhura asked.

"I walk on big ship because daddy went on ship." The little girl replied.

"Did your daddy tell you to come with him?" Uhura asked.

"No, he told me to stay with my step mommy but I didn't want to be with step mommy. I want to be on the cool ship with daddy."

"Well, sweetie maybe that wasn't the best idea. You can get hurt."

"I don't care. I want daddy."

"Ok, I'll help you find your daddy okay. Do you know what his name is?"

The girl shakes her head no.

"It's okay we'll find him anyways."

Uhura took the little girl to the bridge where Spock gave her a curious look, Chekov smiled, and Kirk looked like he wanted to bolt.

"Captain, this little girl has been wandering the Enterprise for who knows how long looking for her father. We have to help her find him."

"Does she know her father's name?" Pike asked.

"No, but it's still our responsibility to find him and get her to safety."

Before anything else could be said, Nero hails the Enterprise.

The little girl pays little attention to the exchange but stares at Nero's baldness with curiosity. She also looks at the marks on his face with even more wonder. When the transmission cuts out, she can't help but voice her curiosity.

"Why was that guy bald?" The little girl asked.

"Because not all people have hair." Uhura replied.

"Oh, can he not grow hair?" The little girl asked.

"I'm not sure." Uhura replied honestly.

"What's with the marks on his face?"

"He does that because he is in mourning?"

"Mourning?"

"It means he's sad."

"Is he sad because he's bald?"

Before the Uhura could reply, Pike grew impatient with the conversation.

"Can you please get that girl off the bridge?"

"Yes, captain. I apologize."

She took the little girl off the bridge and set her on the ground. She was about to more thoroughly explain to her about Nero when the little girl ran off. Uhura chased after the girl fast, but somehow she lost sight of the child. She felt horrified inside and immediately went back to the bridge.

"The little girl ran off. I can't find her." Uhura said worried.

Pike immediately alerted security and then put Spock in charge and left to go to Nero's ship. He didn't notice the little girl who snuck onto his shuttle with some stolen hair growth cream. She waited until Pike left and night time came before carefully sneaking off the shuttle and wandering the ship until she found several bald Romulans which she put the hair growth cream on all over. She spilled a bit too much on Nero so spread it all over his face. She then left the room and explored the cool ship trying to find out what happened to Pike. The Romulans awoke to find that they had grown hair. Nero himself was nearly completely covered in hair and horrified to discover this.

"Who did this?!" Nero asked angrily.

"Sir," Ayel said holding the little girl, "I found this human girl with a bottle of some type of hair growth cream."

"Send her back! I have no patience for her naivety!"

"Yes, sir." Ayel said and brought her back to the shuttle and he couldn't help but think that human children were drastically undisciplined.

**Author's Note: Ok** **a little strange I know. :)! Do review!**


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